08: loneliness 🙍♀️
a new era
hello,
thank you for your patience! i know this newsletter is very late. i’ve actually had it drafted for weeks, ready to be published but i’ve been really putting it off. i know my avoidance is due to the fact that this edition is very personal and i’m terrified to admit i’ve been lonely. my sister told me that one of her friends reads my newsletters and it’s like reading my diary. well babes, strap in cause this one’s real.
🚬
for the first time in my adult life, i am feeling loneliness in all of its weight. i’m doing a lot more things solo, eating at fancy restaurants, rocking up to events without a date, going to the movies. when loneliness is on your side, it can be exciting, promising, liberating! you rely on yourself for good company, to make memories on your own.
when i’m out on a solo date, i notice the world around me more. i people watch, listen to their conversations, imagine what their lives are like and for a moment, it’s me and the world, and i’m happy-lonely!
then the sun sets and the romance dissipates. i’m overcome with deep sadness and everything is nothing. i feel betrayed! all my efforts in making loneliness work for me have evaporated and i’m sad-alone.
the past few weeks have been a learning curve. in the moments of sad-alone, i remind myself that if i can do this, sit in the uncomfortable and push through, then i can do anything, because it was me and only me who got me to the other side. it’s very challenging but the reward is well deserved and causes for celebration.
this fortnight’s newsletter is a manual to help me push through the sad-alone. i’ve been collating my favourite media, jotting down my feelings, making note of the things that provide comfort. i hope it can be something you turn to if you feel lonely.
so yes, that’s been my life for the past few weeks. thank you for reading!
lots of love,
jade x
movies
watching other lonely people is very comforting. we can be lonely together!
Her (2013)
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Wild (2014)
Lost in Translation (2003)
The Lobster (2015)
i recently had the privilege of listening to a symphony orchestra play film composer danny elfman’s main theme and ice dance from Edward Scissorhands and it made me think of this scene.
although together, there’s a sense of loneliness that remains, even when edward holds kim. heartbreaking.
you know me, i already collaged the quote, and it’s probably one of my favourite collages… ever.
On Loneliness by Em Readman
I moved to Perth from Brisbane almost a year ago. I only knew a handful of people in the city, family being most of them. Since moving, I’ve spent a lot of time alone. I’ve been alone in cafes, in the bath, in parks, in the driver’s seat of my car. It comes with the territory of pulling the trigger and moving this far away. I know now that this is why I did it. At the time, the only truth I held was that I knew I had to go. I was left with the barrel of a warm gun after that shot rang out, the shot being zipping suitcases closed and letting go of friends’ hands for the last time, the warmth being an expansion of what I thought was possible, and the knowledge I could do it on my own. I could and did. The past year has been an expedition in aloneness.
I miss SunnyBoy ice blocks. With that obscure shape, the ones where the best flavour was raspberry. We used to have them after school swimming classes. I have a memory of classmates huddled in groups under towels with goggles suctioned on their foreheads. I remember being surrounded by those people and feeling lonely. That feeling came back when I turned twenty. I felt lonely at the kitchen counter, my bed was full and empty at the same time. I was looked at, but not seen. I was surrounded, but lonely. In fairness, I didn’t feel like that all the time. I have beautiful, treasured friends in Brisbane who I could not live without, and I have never felt lonely around them. I cannot deny that I felt lonely so often, and that I hated it. Sometimes I would try and get away from it by packing my calendar to the brim, but it doesn’t work that way. Loneliness is something bigger than that, it cannot be permanently relieved with the physical presence alone. I achieved proximity with that technique, but not closeness, not comfort. There’s a deeper shift needed to balance the scales.
Being alone was the antithesis of what most people wanted coming out of a lengthy pandemic, but when I got to Perth it was the first chance I’d had to be alone in years. I bought pints and drank them after a swim, this summer, a different ocean. I went to places I’d seen online, just because they looked nice. I cooked for myself and slept well. For almost four months I mostly spent time alone, partially because I was reconciling with a massive shift in how I thought my life would go previously, and partially because it was the first time in a long time I’d had a completely new experience. Being alone and enjoying it was new. I got close with myself in a way I had never allowed myself to be before. I started to regard myself as a person worth knowing deeply.
My day feels full if a Saturday is spent on my own. It never used to but I’m so glad it does now. I have explored a lot of this city solo, met people, kept them close, but I still relish that time I spend by myself more than I ever did when I lived back on the east coast. I have often been alone in Perth but I felt lonely in Brisbane. I don’t think this is reflective of Brisbane’s worth in my eyes, but instead it’s reflective of my growth.
There is a conversation to be had about the difference between loneliness and being alone. There is not one definite answer about how to be alone and not feel lonely, but there is an opportunity for everyone to interrogate how each one feels deep in the chest, nestled between breath and heartbeat. Being alone and loneliness do not have to go hand in hand. I took a chance to unclasp my fingers, to not hold on, to leave my hands empty and see if that made them feel full.
💐
Em Readman is a queer writer who lives in Perth. They've been published in Aniko Press, the Suburban Review and others.
Excerpt from Someday I’ll Love by Ocean Vuong
& remember,
loneliness is still time spent
with the world.
thank you chelsea for sending me this poem when you did. i hold these words very close to me.
reading
in conversation with myself by
Tiny Revolutions №6: The Ecstatic by
Tiny Revolutions №21: The Lonely City by
podcasts
for when i want it to be less quiet.
emergency intercom
asian glow podcast
music
favourite lyrics
i love finding patterns in things. i’ve noticed that a lot of the songs i have on repeat have some sort of reference to fire and feeling on fire. it’s a nice little confidence boost for when i’m sitting alone in a cafe, being all mysterious.
my main character playlist
you are the main character of your own a24 movie and everyone else is just there to push along your narrative, duh.
something to consider
use loneliness as a push to meet new people?
lol
for the first time, i finished watching satc the whole way through and this is the last thing carrie says in the series finale.
carrie: but the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all…
is the one you have with yourself.
wild, she ain’t wrong.
last notes
gotta get through sad-alone to appreciate happy-lonely.
this is my time, it’s precious, so why wouldn’t i want to spend it with myself?
💌 read my previous newsletter here
🐇 monthly round up for may is here
🌳 check out what else i do here
ps - for the first time i’ve turned on replies so if you email me back, i’ll see it! if you have any thoughts on this issue of the newsletter or ideas for upcoming editions, please let me know. i’m also open to submissions. if you have something you would like to share, let’s get in touch!