hello,
hope youāre well and kicking goals!
lately iāve been asking my friends how they go about setting boundaries. each friend has their own approach but what intrigues me the most is the thing that flipped the switch. the thing that made them think āfor my sake, i need to do something about this nowā.
setting boundaries feels unfamiliar. itās something you only really experience when you step into adulthood. you have more control over things you didnāt have previously: your time, energy, relationships. you now have the power to protect your peace. when done effectively, itās a form of self care, but why does it also feel selfish at times? iām still navigating my approach in setting boundaries, but with every attempt i make, i feel less anxious about having to do it again.
this is the first edition of the newsletter where a friendās submission has motivated the theme. talking about boundaries wasnāt on the top of my list but iām very excited to share āOn Boundariesā a personal essay by Em Readman. the piece has given me a sense of comfort and i hope you feel it too.
jade x
On Boundaries by Em Readman
At first glance, I would say that I am great with boundaries.
Iām good at communicating my needs, I articulate, and I can and have made the call to use those boundaries to bring myself peace. Sometimes that has meant the end of relationships with people I used to be close to. Iāve never regretted that, but I have mourned it.
However, in those situations, the boundaries have been pushed over, stepped on, barrelled through. I felt sure of my decision. What is harder is when the boundaries push up against the fence or toeing the line. I am not as good at enforcing boundaries when someone just pushes over them, itās enough to unsettle me but not enough to push me to speak on it.
My retail job texts me every day Iām off. My manager makes speeches about dedication while paying too little to make me dedicated to their sales targets. They are doing nothing about the water damage from the floods. I am infuriated but I stay, it just feels too little to leave over.
While reflecting (complaining on my close friends) on this, a friend replied and said:
Do you feel like you canāt leave because itās not bad enough? Because it could have been worse? Because it has been worse before?
I let it sit with me, swilled the thought around like bad wine youāre trying to make taste good. What's hardest for me is when my boundaries are chipped away at slowly, when people ask for a little more and a little more and a little more. I am so used to things being worse that I feel trivial asking for them to be better.
Both professionally and personally, I am bad at trusting my intuition to set boundaries. I turn the lock when they have tripped the alarm and the sirens are blaring. However, I also don't want to let myself shut down too early, in case I'm giving up something good.
It's a tight balance and my knees are wobbling. I want to steady myself, and ask for things to be better, instead of less worse. I want to get to that steadiness soon.
š·
Em Readman is a writer and ceramicist from Meanjin. Her work has been published with the Suburban Review, Aniko Press, Baby Teeth Journal and more š
playlist
it takes āØconfidenceāØ to set boundaries.
this playlist gives me that little boost i need to live my slay š š½
collage behind the scenes
this collage came from a place of realising things (hi kylie). after several disappointing occurrences, i decided i needed to distance myself from someone i used to be quite close with. each interaction i had with them left me feeling hurt and confused. i didnāt want to waste anymore time or energy into something that was making me really unhappy, so i affirmed to myself that i will limit your access to me. i was owning the boundary i had set. instead of this person following a set of boundaries i had set for them, i was determining what i could do to help myself. i didnāt need to rely on this person anymore. there are times that i get sad at the absence of this person, but iām at ease now, more so than before when they were still in my life.
love for billie
a collection of billie eilish lyrics that make me feel excited to prioritise my needs.
getting older
I'm happier than ever, at least, that's my endeavour
To keep myself together and prioritise my pleasure
when i was older
Been goin' over you, I'm overdue for new endeavours
my future
Know Iām supposed to be unhappy
Without someone
But arenāt I someone?
copycat
Call me calloused, call me cold
Youāre italic, Iām in bold
happier than ever
And all that you did was make me fuckinā sad
So donāt waste the time I donāt have
And donāt try to make me feel bad
last notes
setting boundaries takes practice but only you can protect your peace.
thanks for sticking around, see you in a fortnight.
šĀ read my last newsletter here
š read my first monthly round upĀ here