no control!!! 🌪️
my biggest anxiety right now
hello chubbycalico_ subscribers,
i hope you’re okay… a reminder that okay is not bad, okay is good :)
in my last session, i sent my therapist a succinct agenda of all the topics i wanted to discuss. he said that i have a very methodical way of using words to help process big feelings. i thought, maybe i should put him on this mailing list. obviously i’m kidding… but it would save me a lot of time in our sessions.
i’m excited and nervous this newsletter is out in the world… enjoy!
jade x
content warning: this newsletter mentions disordered eating.
the shower incident
i really like routine, it helps me feel in control. i’m at my best when i can do all my little things; exercising, cooking, vacuuming. lack of routine equals absolute chaos and my anxiety heightens when i lose my sense of control. i discovered this in peak summer heat, when my shower was forcibly removed for three weeks. a part of my routine is to follow the rules: no shoes in the house, clean the kitchen while cooking, but the biggest rule i have is to always shower before bed because that guarantees no outside world in my bed. the bed is a sacrosanct place of rest and it should not be dirty.
the disruption to my routine felt catastrophic. i couldn’t do a lot of the things that would put my mind at ease and i was constantly stressed and on edge. my incessant need for control began manifesting into unhealthy eating habits; counting every bite and avoiding processed foods. i started overexercising, masking it as health and fitness. i wasn’t myself and i think a big part of that was because my apartment didn’t feel like my home.
the three weeks dragged on and i would be lying to you if i said i turned things around and miraculously changed. the anxiety persisted. once my new shower was installed, i deep cleaned my apartment for seven hours and then took a thirty minute shower. i still felt dirty.
the shower incident was a big wake up call and helped me discover parts of me that i would like to understand more and work to improve. i’m not going to change overnight but i can make a start by processing it all (and writing about it in a newsletter, obviously).
collage
movies: control, chaos, conclusion
in times of stress, i mentally scan through my favourite films and analyse the ones that share a similar theme. donnie darko, the tragedy of macbeth and the killing of a sacred deer all follow a protagonist’s desire for control. i like to draw similarities between each of the narratives, pick apart the characters’ motives and determine the impact of the films’ conclusion. during my three weeks of no shower, i thought about these movies a lot and these are my notes:
the main character wants to control their fate (death is usually at stake)
there is a supernatural element that cannot be understood or controlled
urgency for control grows
chaos!!!
the main character finally surrenders
someone dies
i’m not going to die if i’m not in control but sometimes it can feel like the stakes are that high. i want to get better at questioning the level of control i have in my life and create a version of reality where i can let go a bit more and (hopefully) discover something more profound; in the same way donnie, macbeth and steven did.
zine
things i can’t control
i used minna gilligan’s collage kit book to make this zine. thank you andrea for the best christmas present ever! anyone who’s hot will own this book… buy yours now!
rewatching shiva baby excessively
emma seligman’s shiva baby follows a college student who attends a family shiva with her parents and runs into her ex-girlfriend and her sugar daddy. it’s one of my favourite films and i watched it almost every day (truly psychotic behaviour). the ninety-minute film is a dark comedy, but it’s equally claustrophobic and intense.
when my friends choose something to rewatch, it’s usually easy and light-hearted; something like parks and recreation or sex and the city. shiva baby is an agonising rewatch and extremely stressful at times but i find this very comforting. i think it’s because i can anticipate exactly what i will feel and when, which offers a very gratifying sense of control.
of course, me being me, i looked into this more. psychology today explains the different effects we can feel when we rewatch our favourite films:
The Mister Rogers Effect
According to research, repetition works well for adults. Knowing what will happen bestows order and safety, especially during times when our lives feel uncomfortably less controlled.
The Conjuring Effect
When we listen to the same music over and over, we experience what the author Elizabeth Margulis calls “a conjuring power.” Knowing exactly what will happen gives us a sense of personally controlling the outcomes. More generally, in choosing to rewatch, we take control over the stories we experience, the people we see, the feelings we want, and the endings we desire.
Parasocial Relationships
While becoming increasingly familiar with the characters in a series, we may develop satisfying parasocial relationships with these characters. When we rewatch a series or a show, we return to these parasocial relationships, placing ourselves in the presence of especially reliable friends who do what we expect them to.
rewatching shiva baby is something i would categorise as a healthier coping mechanism for my ‘i-don’t-have-control’ anxiety. it’s a high risk, high reward activity: i allow myself to feel anxious during the prickly parts of the movie (i.e. danielle thrown in a group conversation with her parents and her sugar daddy) and i pat myself on the back for getting through it.
to my australian readers, you can watch shiva baby for free on SBS viceland!
planned spontaneity: planning something vague and then letting everything else happen on a whim
in 2019, i went on a girls trip to tokyo. the trip was around the same time i printed my first zine so i was really interested in checking out this shop, mount zine, and learning more about japanese zine culture. my friends weren’t interested so i set out on a solo adventure. i planned one thing that day, visiting mount zine and that was it. the rest of the day would be spent exploring the area and getting lost. here’s what happened:
on the way to the train station, i bought a big veggie sandwich and ate it in a park.
the park led me to an art gallery about insects.
the art gallery had a stamp activity (for kids) - visit nearby landmarks, find the stamp, collect all the stamps, claim a mystery prize. i walked around for an hour collecting stamps and the prize was so worth it… a set of sparkly insect stickers!
after my stamp adventure, i caught the train to mount zine. it was everything i hoped it would be. the owner, yakari ohtsu, was lovely and she told me about the zine workshops she runs. i bought so many zines that day!
i then walked through hikawa shrine, it was beautiful.
i found a strange stretch of shops that looked very european. there was a small canal and gondola. i later discovered it’s a tourist attraction called ‘tokyo’s little europe’.
found a vintage toy store called hotch potch and bought trolls collectible cards.
bought convenient store udon for afternoon tea and ate it in a park.
drank matcha at a century-old tea house while sitting on tatami floors.
and then i finally trained back to my hotel.
i look back at this day with a lot of sentiment and hope that i can integrate more planned spontaneity in my everyday life. full time-time work means my weekends are very precious so i tend to plan things to a tee. it does not leave room for flexibility. this day in tokyo is a nice reminder that i always receive what is right for me at the perfect time and i don’t always have to organise a plan of attack.
things that help me feel better when i feel like i’m spiralling
rewatching shiva baby.
holding an ice pack to my forehead. the extreme temperature helps me feel grounded.
pilates. i focus on the muscles i’m using and controlling them with each exhale.
listening to a film score and following the sheet music.
watching a film whilst reading the script. noticing the differences is a reminder that flexibility and change can be a good thing.
photo series: the smallest things
When the world feels unbearably large and largely out of control, what I’ve found is that there is almost always reassurance and meaning to be found in the smallest of things, in the smallest of beauties.
one of my favourite suburbs in meanjin is new farm. it’s a lavish, inner city, suburban neighbourhood filled with charming queenslander houses and old art deco apartments. on lazy sunday afternoons, i like to walk around mindlessly, appreciate the architecture and observe people passing by. yesterday, i ventured with my polaroid with ella’s words in mind.
last notes
i don’t really have any control over anything, it’s all perceived.
that’s really fucking difficult to let go.
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i downloaded substack for the first time for this !! i love your writing! can’t wait for more from u! ❤️🩹
the zine! so cute